Saturday, July 7, 2012

Uncontrolled Crossing

Last night David and I saw Wes Anderson's 'Moonrise Kingdom.'  The movie reminded me all of the different worlds each one of us inhabits simultaneously whether or not we are aware. Yesterday I completed a paperwork extravaganza that made my different roles file in and make themselves obvious.  First I completed the California State Disability blue booklet. I have filled this out countless times for my own patients, but never imagined I would ever fill out the patient section.  Then the medical leave paperwork that must require a PhD to correctly complete since my Master's and M.D. was insufficient.  Next the bohemith online physician credentialing packet for my first job as a full fledged Family Medicine Physician that was due by the end of the day.  And lastly, a rental application for Christoph's place where David, Olive, Luna and I will likely make our home together. 

Last time I had cancer I fought these simultaneously roles.  I was a medical student being treated by my prominent Stanford professors.  I tried to be brilliant rather than vulnerable.  They tried to teach me rather than be saddened by my diagnosis.  I broke up with my boyfriend because I loved him less than he loved me.  I struggled with my parents who desperately tried to protect me from something overwhich they had no control, my own renegade cancer cells.

This time I realize I can be all of these things at once. Because if there is one thing I learned from my first cancer and then confirmed from caring for my patients in residency, is that life is exceedingly messy.  Not just fingerpainting preschooler messy.  An eight year old girl hula-hooping on the back of a lame horse navigating a mine field in order to save a kitten from a burning house kind of messy.  You just got to hula-hoop and move towards the kitten.  Life is an uncontrolled crossing.

1 comment:

  1. Love your spirit; love your writing. I've got my pom poms out for cheerleading...Jes, Jes, Jes! xoxoxoxoxoxox

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